What We Give Our Sons

As fathers, we can give no greater preparation for life than to empower our children to successfully live their lives on their own. 

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My father was a helluva man.  He was honest and good, smart, strong, good-looking, and fiercely ambitious.  He was gentle with women and animals, humorous and playful, helpful to neighbors, thoughtful and contemplative, and the most responsible man I ever knew.

He was a great example of what a man could be and at his funeral his esteemed, life-long friend said he was, “what every man wants to be.”  He provided more than enough, traveled the world, was faithful to his wife throughout their just-shy-of fifty-eight years of marriage, put four children through college, gave each a car for graduation, and never gave up on them no matter the difficulties. 

And, there were difficulties. 

Despite everything he was and everything he gave, he failed to equip his children for life. 

He and Mom made the decisions and coerced or bullied us into compliance.  He taught us as if we were incapable and inept, criticized the smallest mistake, and thereby stole our self-confidence. 

I love my dad, even years after his passing, I still love him and am thankful for the amazing man he was in my life.  And, I learned a great deal from him about how NOT to raise children.  Because of the mystery of “what went wrong?” I have studied thousands of stories, dozens of books, and sorted through as many possible scenarios as I could imagine.  One thing that became clear was this – a house, clothes, food, college, and a car do not prepare a child to live life.  Living life is about knowing your wants, making good decisions, trusting yourself and others, finding courage when warranted, forming honest relationships and keeping them, and exercising your strengths for the better tomorrow.  My father did all these things well, but had no idea how to convey them or teach them, and from his frustration and bullying he drove his children away from those capabilities. 

Okay.  So, what’s my point?  Just wanted to bag on Dad?   No.  My point is that every father, no matter the childhood he had, the successes or failures he has had, or the mix of knowledge he has about raising children, every father can teach his children to live life with honesty, strength, and caring.  Sons can be raised to use good judgment in making sound decisions; draw courage from within; trust and respect people without proof of worthiness, and sustain full and loving relationships with friends and family.

What good is a wonderful nest if the offspring do not trust their own wings?  Or doesn't trust his sense of direction?  Or, doesn't even want to fly? 

As fathers, we can give no greater preparation for life than to empower our children to successfully live their lives on their own. 

As fathers of sons, we have both an obligation and an opportunity to provide what we can for the sake of their future.  Having lived through our own upbringing gives us some insights, but in truth we can also admit that our own path did not teach us everything we need to know.  We all have ignorance and suffer from blindness.  Just look around your life at the other fathers who are raising sons.  Do they see everything you do?  Do they know everything you do?  No.  It’s not possible.  Therefore it’s also not possible for you or I to know everything. 

My father knew much about many things, but he wasn't able to admit his ignorance until he was past sixty years of age.  His closed-mindedness cost him dearly and it caused huge hardships and loss for his children. 

What we give our sons is up to us.  We can chastise their lack of progress and cripple them.  Or we can encourage them no matter their results.  We can ignore them and blame them for not loving us.  Or, we can hug them, hold them, play with them, and enjoy their attraction to us.  We can deceive and trick them, then wonder why they don’t trust us.  Or we can bare our souls and watch them become courageously honest and accepting.  We can make the big decisions for them so we can avoid the immediate consequences, and then stare in disbelief as they stumble and fall through their adult life.  Or from an early age, we can place decisions that match their growing ability into their hands and watch them learn about useful knowledge, expected and unexpected outcomes, and the way wisdom is gathered – way ahead of their peers.

Walking With Sons is about your own decisions, outcomes, and wisdom.  Each father who reads this will bring his own issues and challenges; his own background and history; his own original knowledge; his own cognitive and emotional habits and associations; his own desires for his son; his own ideas of what matters, what he’s willing to do, what love means, and what is possible; and his own fears and doubts, and the courage to overcome them.  All of these things, and much more not listed, will affect each father’s decisions about what he will give his son.  It is your birthright to raise your son as you see best.  I will never question, challenge, nor resent that.  You are supposed to choose what you do for your own reasons.  This blog is merely your ally in sorting through the options; like a field-book helps a hiker figure out how to get around in the wilderness.

In the end, the places you went together will matter ONLY because you went there together... as father and son.