Early Independence

We awoke one Friday morning to a startling thought. Our youngest daughter was tattling on our twlelve-year old son. He had a note on his desk telling us not to worry, and that he had decided to ride his bike to school. However, due to an alert sister his plans were foiled. 

No big deal I guess, for some of us whose houses are close to school, or whose neighborhood is undoubtedly safe, but our son was about to ride eight miles, along highways with 60 mph rush-hour traffic, and in the midst of San Diego where Southern California predators exist in scary numbers.

He has never been out of our reach before. He has always been under the watchful eyes of responsible adults we trust. He has always been locate-able, if you know what I mean. And, now this! Knowing what he was thinking, partly because I was once a boy who wanted the thrill of adventure and the validation of independent adventure, I empathized and had a talk with him. I didn't get mad, and thanks to a smart daughter, I wasn't very scared.

But, the frightening reality of a son's drive to walk this earth without parental protection brought me into thoughts and conversations I hadn't seen coming so soon. Obviously, I knew it would be happening... someday, and had distant thoughts of it a few months ago. But, I figured I had a couple more years. After all, it isn't like I have created a Hell he needs to run away from. If anything his life is too tame and he wants to stretch himself. Hey, that's a great thing, right?

Yeah.

Outstanding.

So, we talked. I explained to him the real response that would have happened after we discovered his absence in the house. The yelling into all rooms and corners. The search of the backyard, while yelling. The growing fear and desperation. The panic. The phone-coordinated search grid with Mom and daughter in one car, and myself in the other. The frantic worry and wonder if we continue to not find him. The thoughts of 'worse-case scenarios' and then the fury of our message if we find him. He would lose his bike for a year. He would be grounded through Christmas Break. And worst of all; he would have created a huge damage to his relationship with Mom and Dad. The trust we have been growing would be tossed out, and a terse, tense awkwardness would rule over the house for quite a while.

He listened and understood.

While I drove him to school I took advantage of the opportunity to explain a few things he has been shielded from. I told him about Matthew Cecchi.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_Cecchi

And then I told him about Sherrice Iverson. http://www.geocities.com/sherriceiverson/

I mentioned a few other stories I had heard about over the years (Steven Stayner, etc.) and he began to understand the possibility of dangers beyond crashing and being killed, paralyzed, or just badly hurt. He apologized for not thinking it through, and I accepted the apology.

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It is my firm belief that we men are errant to seek independence as the source of our validation. Too soon, and too young, boys are trying to fly the nest, but they are not prepared for life. Even those who are well prepared and go forth in a sense of independence, end up building their sense of themselves, their identity as a man, around the belief that they must stand alone. God prefers his sons to stand with Him, not alone. He prefers His prodigals to return to Him and remain with Him.

Independence is not the answer to a man's life. Self-sufficiency is a better path, and so is a balanced decision-making ability that does not compel one foolish decision over a safer, more sane choice. Doing the right thing is hard, and the development path of men is most frequently steepest when they are trying to do the right thing. Being comfortable being alone and being self-sufficient are the marks of a capable, well-balanced man. But, independence for the sake of proving one's ability is a mark of selfishness, foolish rebellion, and self-imposed isolation. Isolation is not solitude. Isolation is the rejection of relationships, while solitude is the acceptance of one's inner security. Isolation weakens a man. Solitude strengthens a man.

Isolation is the pursuit of temptations (rejecting God), and being subject to Satan's path of sin and torment because we don't have the community of relationships to sustain us against him. Pride is frequently a source of isolation and it is not a strengthening choice when it leads to an inevitable apology to heal others wounds created by our pride. It means we have hurt others to gain an empty victory. That is not wisdom, but foolishness, just as my son's trip would have been damaging to others for the sake of his own prideful satisfaction. Truly a boy's choice.

Men need to be more than that.