Giving a Hand

Each and every man has a different answer to what is best for our nation.  For the average man, what he wants for himself is probably the answer he would give, but when he looks at the lives of other men he has a different answer for them.  (I should get green lights and everyone else can have the reds.  I can't make things work, so give me a handout, but those other guys are more capable so let them earn it for us all.)  So, if we all have different answers, and have a whole other answer for "those other guys" then what is the right and best answer for everyone?

My dad had his own view.  He believed, and proved it with his own life story, that if you wanted to earn your way to a greater life, it wasn't hidden or mysterious, but right there in front of you.  You want to earn money - work harder than anyone else.  You want to earn a college education - work harder than anyone else.  You want a family - get married, have kids, and keep 'em all together.  For my dad, the only thing keeping us from having the victories we want is the amount we want them.  If you didn't go get it then you didn't want it enough.

But, my dad gave up a lot to have the victories he wanted.  He was a grizzled, tough, forceful, unmerciful, prideful, judgmental, and solitary man.  He was also wonderful to everyone who might help him get where he was going.  Sure he had friends, and gave of himself at every turn, but he didn't have joy until his final ten years.

In the broad array of human stories, for every man who wins there are many who lose.  Yes, we love to exalt our victors, but is "victory against the competition of others" the only measure of a man's worth?  Can a man do and become more along another path?  Or, are satisfaction and joy limited to only those who win the contest?

I never liked the bitterness of a consolation prize, and always hoped to make my father sing my praises.  But, he never did.  Sure I won some, but there was always something I should have done better.  And when I succeeded at things he couldn't understand, he nitpicked about my leaving some dust when sweeping of the driveway.

I hated the way he missed out on sharing the lives of his family.  Sure he visited and told stories.  Sure he gave hugs and told bad jokes.  But, he could never get beyond the act of it until too much water had passed under the bridge.  My father was a wonderful man, whom I never trusted after age seven.  He tried so hard to find his elusive worth because his father had never taught him where to find it.

So, what's best?  I have seen men, broken by the misfortunes of capitalism, extend an empty hand - for a handout that they'll hate.  I have seen men who extend a hand in friendship when they are in misery.  I have seen men with no time left in their day give a hand to people they will never know and never be thanked by.  I have seen men raise a violent hand against the ones they would die to protect.  I have seen men hold their wives up when they would rather run for the hills.  I have seen men break into pieces whose wives preferred whoring to being a mom and wife.  I've seen men whose abusive pasts eternally diverted them from loving their own sons.  And, I've seen too many men whose extreme doubt and extreme confidence kept them from knowing how to truly love.

So, what can we agree on?  What should we pass on to those who follow in greater ignorance?  It is given to us as a charge, an order, a mission, to prepare the next generation of sons for their lives as men.  So, what is best for them to learn from us?  Should we drive them to win, win, win - when only a few will top the heap?  Or should we encourage them to skate by, play smartphone games, accept food stamps, go bankrupt five times over, and fail everyone who ever dared to care for them?  Should we leave them alone and wish them well on their own - abandoned because we can't grab hold of what matters?  Should we fear their greatness and thus want to ruin them?  Should we warn them about the empty powerlessness, and the addictive handcuffs of sin that arrest their development?

We have become a society that seeks the proof of our worth in the attention, acclaim, fear, and love of others.  In general, we seek power in our moments of thrill instead of the times we freely give and make a difference.  So, in our own failed and weakened state of preparedness, how can we teach boys what they will need to know?

As babies, we are born into a world that will either love us or not.  We cannot control that.  As children, it is natural to seek affirmations of love from parents and friends, even girlfriends - at first.  But, becoming a man means we see the exchange differently.  In order to pass over from boyhood to man, we must see that our value lies in being the providers of love.

Boys want to be given love.  Men want to be givers of love.  Watch fathers who love their children fully and you will see men whose power and worth shine.  They do not wallow in doubt, but take action on behalf of their children's goodness, selflessly adding to their lives.  These men do not stand high upon pinnacles of victory, confident in their every move and word.  They realize what's at stake and accept with humility the dangers of their ignorance and inevitable failure.

What is the best way to be a man?  My father struggled badly to turn his wins into joy and satisfaction, but it wasn't until he finally tried the life of a giver... a selfless, genuine giver of love... that he found fulfilling joy and satisfaction.  I rejoiced for his epiphany, but could not get past the innate fear of a wounded soul.  Let not your decision come too late to your children's heart.

For the sake of your joy, your children's hearts and our nation's tomorrow - love your children more than yourself.  Love your neighbor as if they were you.  Love without measure, condition, restriction, or fear.  Being a man means we fully offer ourselves up - like soldiers on a suicide mission - giving our all for the sake of the greater good.  Your "all" means complete selflessness, complete effort, complete accommodation of others, and complete courage for whatever God may ask of you.

Is this easy?  No.  But men are powerful beings and when we offer our all... nothing will deter us, our worth will be full, and God will bless us with joy and satisfaction.  When we offer our all... like heroes who save a life at the risk of their own... no praise is needed, no attention is wanted, we are full and happy with nothing, because we have our own satisfaction rising from within.

I am thankful my father wanted his love to be given... wanting it enough to get there after decades of wrestling with "how" to win at it.  In the end, all his children knew his genuine love and devoted heart, but it took a lot of learning.  What he finally learned was never taught to him by his dad.  He learned that when we have freely given our all, no matter the result, we'll know we have done our best, and that is what brings us the deepest sleep.  In the peace of that knowing we can let go of the need for proof and thereby accept and love without condition.  And, trust me, that made all the difference.

So, give your son a hand - a hand of faith, of love, of acceptance, and of heroic selflessness.  Give him a hand that helps him learn to love others without condition - like your hand to him.  Give him a hand of genuine selflessness so he can live that way and have joy and satisfaction, too.  Give him a hand of legacy, one that will grow those good things in him so he will hopefully want to give to that kind of hand to his sons, and so on.