Starting With the End in Mind

Fathers, we often begin raising our sons and soon realize we don’t know where this thing will take us.  We spend each day trying to keep up with the many changes – diaper changes, bottles, sleep patterns, teething, crawling, walking, talking, talking back, vocabulary changes, and the thousands of new behaviors, wants, and attitudes.  For most of us it is like holding a horse by the tail and trying to hang on, thinking we are in control.  The more we try to control it, the more the horse goes wild. 

Many fathers try to look back into the past, searching amongst the ruins and glories of our own childhood for clues from what our fathers did that worked and didn’t work.  We try to become both father and son in these memories, trying to estimate the worth of one tactic based upon the isolated effect we recall.  In truth, our fathers didn’t know much about this thing called parenting, and actually, you probably know more.  Today, from the many TV shows, news shows, and aggrandized examples of what is good and effective parenting, we know much more than our parents ever did. 

So, if looking back and holding onto the tail of today are inadequate sources, where can we look?

In his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Stephen Covey teaches us about the wisdom of starting with the end in mind.  When we head down the road with no plan, or drive forward while looking in the rearview mirror, we can easily see the ineffectiveness of these practices.  

When it comes to parenting, and taking into account that we are not in control of our child’s responses, we can see that having a strict plan isn’t going to work.  What we get by “starting with the end in mind” is a destination. 

From almost anywhere in northern Oregon you can see Mount Hood.  If we imagine that as a destination, and then let the wanderings of child-rearing take us in many directions, we can then look up and see Mount Hood and get a new heading.  There will be wanderings, and tiny explorations as children love to follow rabbit trails, but if Dad can see Mount Hood in the distance and head off in that direction whenever starting out for the day, eventually the father and child will get closer and closer.

When I play golf, I wander all over the fairway, and eventually I get closer and closer until I finally get the ball in the hole.  Expecting par is a mistake if you’ve ever seen me golf.  So, should I hate the wandering because it isn’t giving me a good scorecard?  Or should I enjoy the view from the lake’s edge as I hit from the drop area?  Why not notice the flowers, bushes, and squirrels while poking around in the woods for my ball?  The end is still kept in mind, but the trip is not straight and narrow.  Eventually I get to the green and sink my last putt, but I saw a lot more of the course than the rest of my foursome. 

So, when it comes to parenting, what is the “end” we are to keep in mind?  Are we limited to the usuals – graduation, safe driving, college life, moving out, marriage, grandchildren, and holiday housefuls?  No.  The end of our parenting trail can be whatever we want it to be, but it helps if we include specifics that tell us when we have arrived there – so we can stop. 

When our sons have arrived at the top of their Mount Hood, and we can look back across the plains, remembering all that we went through together to get there, it is important for both father and son to know they have reached the end of the road.  Things need to change after this point.  Fathers need to shut up and fade into “parental retirement.”  Sons, strengthened and encouraged by the journey here, need to head off in a new direction of their own choosing. 

Whatever the “end” is that you come up with – keep track of it.  Look up from the rabbit trails your son is delighted to be following, and get your new heading.  Begin every day with an intention to get there and one day – you will get there.  In the meantime, stay with your son.  Let him know you are WITH him, for him, and that you have a plan for his development and benefit.  He will follow you.