Sons Will Challenge Dads

Sons will frustrate you.  They will disappoint you.  They will concern you.  They will contest and challenge you.  They will reflect you.  They will listen to you.  They will please you.  They will follow you. 

From day one, until one of you dies, your son will cause you deep interest and perplexing thoughts… because you care.  As a newborn, lying in his crib, your son will draw from within you a deep sense of need.  You will look at him and know deep within your heart that he needs you… very much. 

While this is a good thing – actually a GREAT thing – many men are not prepared for it and respond to the challenge it presents by sort of stepping back a bit.  The draw upon our hearts will be a very powerful thing and if we are not trained ahead of time to respond to challenges with eagerness our first response might be to step back, but the next step matters most.  Men step forward to meet challenges.  Not to prove anything, but because they know it is the only response that is worth looking back on.

From the time your son can get a bead on you he will be sizing you up and trying to win.  He will compare himself and measure his ability, strength, toughness, intelligence, humor, etc., against your standards.  For him, the only measurement that matters is how he compares to you, his father.  While you are just doing your best at life, he is actually making a competition out of it. 

Some families make the competition a big deal with the father trying with all his might to win at every turn, raising the bar as high as possible.  These families will often produce high achieving sons because they have been trained their whole lives to increase, strive, strengthen, and overcome.  Other fathers step back from the competition and encourage their sons to not fall into comparisons; teaching instead that individuality matters most.  These families often produce creatively independent thinkers, contemplative men who are at peace with themselves and others.  

Neither is right or wrong and each camp can produce excellent sons, but there are things to take into account.  If you are using competition to strengthen your son, you might want to include lessons about internal acceptance, peaceful paths, and non-comparison.  You might want to clarify that you are each unique men who are supposed to be different.  If you value the non-competitive road you may want to include lessons of opposition, battling, and winning strategies. 

Sons will challenge us, not just to win in the moments, but to win over the long haul.  The long road of parenting includes many, many lessons for both.  Winning means excelling at finding those lessons, learning them well, and using them the best way you can, when needed, for the sake of your son’s development as a man.  In many cases, the moment needs to be lost so the bigger victory can be won.  I know that sounds strange, so let me explain.

For some reason your son has become mad at you and then doesn't do his chore.  He is trying to win.  You know this and want to win, too.  So, as most dads will do, you become louder, fiercer, and threatening.  Your son cowers, caves in, and does the chore.  Congratulations.  You just won the moment.  But, your son may have lost many possible steps he might have gained on his journey to become a man.  What if you had waited him out?  What if you had chuckled at his impish attempt to beat you?  What if you had stood beside him staring at the chore together?  The greater lesson may have been that you are with him, not against him.  The greater lesson may have been a quieter response about the good feelings a man gets for having handled his responsibilities, even pointing out how lousy he feels, how he has entangled your relationship into the idea of chores, and how his esteem is going to be negatively affected by both the anger and the refusal. 

As fathers we have to look at the long road and make our best decisions about the effects everything is having on our son.  When our sons are toddlers, they can’t be presented with the reasoning and strategies that a seventeen year old boy can handle.  But, the lessons can still be given with the same effect.  We can cross our arms and imitate his anger with a twinkle in our eye so he knows he is safe.  We can pick up a book and start to read, letting him know we will help him when he is ready. 

There are hundreds of ways to respond to any moment’s need for learning.  Taking the first choice we see is often a poor decision.  Caring for our son means giving him our best.  Taking time to consider the effect of our choice and looking for better and better options not only draws our caring into the moment, but more importantly strengthens our habit of infusing our caring into moments.  This means we will be more and more likely to take the “loving path” in our lesson moments over time.  This becomes something that he will grow to know with certainty.  He will see and know your love for him.  While there are no guarantees, it is most likely his certainty of your love will anchor him into a life of goodness and help him to become a loving father himself.  

What We Give Our Sons

As fathers, we can give no greater preparation for life than to empower our children to successfully live their lives on their own. 

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My father was a helluva man.  He was honest and good, smart, strong, good-looking, and fiercely ambitious.  He was gentle with women and animals, humorous and playful, helpful to neighbors, thoughtful and contemplative, and the most responsible man I ever knew.

He was a great example of what a man could be and at his funeral his esteemed, life-long friend said he was, “what every man wants to be.”  He provided more than enough, traveled the world, was faithful to his wife throughout their just-shy-of fifty-eight years of marriage, put four children through college, gave each a car for graduation, and never gave up on them no matter the difficulties. 

And, there were difficulties. 

Despite everything he was and everything he gave, he failed to equip his children for life. 

He and Mom made the decisions and coerced or bullied us into compliance.  He taught us as if we were incapable and inept, criticized the smallest mistake, and thereby stole our self-confidence. 

I love my dad, even years after his passing, I still love him and am thankful for the amazing man he was in my life.  And, I learned a great deal from him about how NOT to raise children.  Because of the mystery of “what went wrong?” I have studied thousands of stories, dozens of books, and sorted through as many possible scenarios as I could imagine.  One thing that became clear was this – a house, clothes, food, college, and a car do not prepare a child to live life.  Living life is about knowing your wants, making good decisions, trusting yourself and others, finding courage when warranted, forming honest relationships and keeping them, and exercising your strengths for the better tomorrow.  My father did all these things well, but had no idea how to convey them or teach them, and from his frustration and bullying he drove his children away from those capabilities. 

Okay.  So, what’s my point?  Just wanted to bag on Dad?   No.  My point is that every father, no matter the childhood he had, the successes or failures he has had, or the mix of knowledge he has about raising children, every father can teach his children to live life with honesty, strength, and caring.  Sons can be raised to use good judgment in making sound decisions; draw courage from within; trust and respect people without proof of worthiness, and sustain full and loving relationships with friends and family.

What good is a wonderful nest if the offspring do not trust their own wings?  Or doesn't trust his sense of direction?  Or, doesn't even want to fly? 

As fathers, we can give no greater preparation for life than to empower our children to successfully live their lives on their own. 

As fathers of sons, we have both an obligation and an opportunity to provide what we can for the sake of their future.  Having lived through our own upbringing gives us some insights, but in truth we can also admit that our own path did not teach us everything we need to know.  We all have ignorance and suffer from blindness.  Just look around your life at the other fathers who are raising sons.  Do they see everything you do?  Do they know everything you do?  No.  It’s not possible.  Therefore it’s also not possible for you or I to know everything. 

My father knew much about many things, but he wasn't able to admit his ignorance until he was past sixty years of age.  His closed-mindedness cost him dearly and it caused huge hardships and loss for his children. 

What we give our sons is up to us.  We can chastise their lack of progress and cripple them.  Or we can encourage them no matter their results.  We can ignore them and blame them for not loving us.  Or, we can hug them, hold them, play with them, and enjoy their attraction to us.  We can deceive and trick them, then wonder why they don’t trust us.  Or we can bare our souls and watch them become courageously honest and accepting.  We can make the big decisions for them so we can avoid the immediate consequences, and then stare in disbelief as they stumble and fall through their adult life.  Or from an early age, we can place decisions that match their growing ability into their hands and watch them learn about useful knowledge, expected and unexpected outcomes, and the way wisdom is gathered – way ahead of their peers.

Walking With Sons is about your own decisions, outcomes, and wisdom.  Each father who reads this will bring his own issues and challenges; his own background and history; his own original knowledge; his own cognitive and emotional habits and associations; his own desires for his son; his own ideas of what matters, what he’s willing to do, what love means, and what is possible; and his own fears and doubts, and the courage to overcome them.  All of these things, and much more not listed, will affect each father’s decisions about what he will give his son.  It is your birthright to raise your son as you see best.  I will never question, challenge, nor resent that.  You are supposed to choose what you do for your own reasons.  This blog is merely your ally in sorting through the options; like a field-book helps a hiker figure out how to get around in the wilderness.

In the end, the places you went together will matter ONLY because you went there together... as father and son.

Hitting a Moving Target While Moving

My dad taught me how to play lacrosse.  Instead of playing tennis my sophomore year in high school, and because it was the first time lacrosse was available at my school, I decided to go out for it.  I figured I had as good a chance as anyone else since no one had played before either.  My dad had been a star lacrosse player at the University of New Hampshire (1948-1951) and having the chance to play his sport while in high school was too good a deal to pass up. 

To teach me the game, Dad took me out into our large backyard where we passed the ball back and forth.  He showed me the right way to hold the stick, how to aim my throws and how to draw the ball into the basket when catching.  After I was able to make decent passes he had us start moving a bit, and I knew how to lead-a-pass from playing basketball and throwing footballs around with my friends.  Then, when he thought I was ready, he had us do a drill he had done in college.  We started jogging in a large circle with each of us on opposite sides of the circle.  While moving ourselves we had to pass to the other who was also moving.  Then we switched from right-handed grip to left-handed and reversed direction.  I wasn't very good… at first, but Dad stayed with it and eventually I was pretty decent.

Being a father to a son isn't like playing darts where you try to aim a lesson to a stationary mind.  Your son’s mind is constantly changing, and so is yours.  You are learning right now, and that changes your perspective.  You are moving, and your son is too.  Instead of aiming a dart – while standing very still – and trying to hit a tiny target just a few feet away, being a dad is more like tossing the ball back and forth while you are both running in circles around each other.  Oh, yeah, and if one of you isn't paying attention… well, you can guess what happens.

The Joy of Obedience?

Obedience is such an interesting topic, don't you think?  I mean... looking at it from the point of view of the dad, I can see how it is a valuable, useful, and desirable thing.  What dad doesn't want his son to obey him?  Right?

But, I remember hating the idea of obedience when I was a son.

So, If it was such a good and wonderful thing, why is there such a disparity (disagreement) over it from the two points of view?

Ok.  Obviously, I can see the reasons, but what I find intriguing is the way God, when acting as a glorious and truly loving father, uses obedience.  He wants us to obey Him... for OUR sake.  As a father of my son, I want him to obey me for his sake, but often for my sake as well.  (Confession - sometimes it just makes things easier for me if he would just do what he is told.  Know what I mean?)

But, everything I have learned about God consistently tells me that He does nothing and asks nothing for His sake.  He loves us to the point of torture and death upon the cross, rejection and humiliation by His own, and an unending grace while we use our Free Will to sin.  He loves us SOOOO much and wants us to obey Him.  I can only conclude that our obedience can't be for His sake.

I have also learned that God is ALL ABOUT our joy.  Everything He does, teaches, and wants for us leads to spiritual cleansing, oneness with Him, and JOY!

So, if He is so strongly adamant about our joy and our obedience, how do the two co-exist?  God, once known, demonstrates complete consistency, so the two must coexist.  By 'coexist' I don't mean first one then the other.  I mean... simultaneous.  Not like pancakes and syrup, but like the maple flavor and the sugar in the syrup.  Two different things - TOGETHER as ONE.

But, I struggle to find joy in my obedience of Him. Why?  Alright, I realize the struggle is within me, is caused by my pride and is sin (the drive for separation).  But, I want to be reconciled to God, my Father in Heaven.  I want the oneness Jesus speaks of in John 17.  I want to be a good son.  I want to obey.  But, I also hate the idea of obeying.

For most of us sons, we had dads who demanded our obedience and it became a bitter pill.  The bitterness isn't in the obedience, but in the expectation and the demand.  If we incurred consequences as a result of not obeying, then bitterness strengthened because the punishment wasn't about the thing we didn't do, but because we didn't comply.

For example... If my dad told me to take out the garbage and I didn't there would be natural consequences to it, such as a rising stench in the kitchen, unhappy family members, flies buzzing around, and eventually so much clutter that it is hard to safely move about the kitchen.  But, my father wouldn't let those consequences arise and I wouldn't learn about them, and therefore not learn the value of taking out the trash.  Instead, the negative consequence I would receive was related - not to the trash - but to his frustration.  He was pissed at me for not obeying.

There was a very consistent response from my dad when I didn't obey.  It was not different for each instance, nor relevant to the thing I had failed to do (i.e. standing guard at the hole in the fence to keep the horses inside the pasture if I hadn't mended the fence), but was always about having failed to obey.  This became a dividing factor in our relationship - as it is with most sons and fathers.

But, since God, as our FATHER, is so purely about our benefit and our joy, about our growth and our becoming, and so deeply committed to overcoming any separation (sin) that pulls us out of ONENESS with Him, He isn't going to make our disobedience become a separating influence between us and Him, as far as His end of things.  We might do it (and often do), but He wouldn't make it the thing that draws us apart the way my father did with me, and the way I have done with my son.

Obeying isn't really that hard to do.  I obey the laws, social customs like waiting in line, and my boss.  It isn't a big deal... unless obedience itself has become a bone of contention between two people and therefore is the issue, the actual cause of the angst.  With God we know that He will never intend for the issue of obedience to become contentious.  He wants us to obey for our own good, like a parent telling a toddler to stay away from the road.  In such a loving way, obedience is more a source of love, sheltering us from other consequences and less-preferred outcomes... like wrapping your child in a warm blanket on a cold day.

But, for me, the issue is stuck in a very bitter memory.  A bitter memory that was repeatedly hammered into my childhood, into my point of view on life, and into my psyche.  I know Jesus Christ provides us a fresh start - like a factory reset on a computer - but being born again does not erase memories and old habits of thinking.  Through His gift of redemption we are given the chance to deal with these things and overcome them, but we must want to and must do so in order for His gift to be fulfilled.  I want to become obedient to Him.  I want to obey Him with ease and quick readiness.  But my history wants to keep me stuck in angst. I must face this issue.  I must allow Him to teach me, guide me, and lead me to a new view on obedience, and I do want that.  It's just that... I want to find the sweeter side of obedience that I know exists.  I just want to know where the joy is.

Maple flavoring without sugar is not very appealing.  If you ever tasted it by itself it wouldn't be very yummy.  It's like cocoa extract that way.  It needs the sugar to get the yummy.  Obedience can seem bitter at first, but I know God adds the sweetness of joy because He is ALL about joy.  I just haven't been able to get past my association of obedience with the contentions and bitterness my father and I shared.

So, again I ask myself.  Where is the joy that accompanies obedience - like sugar and maple flavoring - mixed together simultaneously?

Then I hear a whisper in my heart that says... "I will lead you to find it, but you will have to do what I tell you to do."

And my pride says, "UGH!"

Starting With the End in Mind

Fathers, we often begin raising our sons and soon realize we don’t know where this thing will take us.  We spend each day trying to keep up with the many changes – diaper changes, bottles, sleep patterns, teething, crawling, walking, talking, talking back, vocabulary changes, and the thousands of new behaviors, wants, and attitudes.  For most of us it is like holding a horse by the tail and trying to hang on, thinking we are in control.  The more we try to control it, the more the horse goes wild. 

Many fathers try to look back into the past, searching amongst the ruins and glories of our own childhood for clues from what our fathers did that worked and didn’t work.  We try to become both father and son in these memories, trying to estimate the worth of one tactic based upon the isolated effect we recall.  In truth, our fathers didn’t know much about this thing called parenting, and actually, you probably know more.  Today, from the many TV shows, news shows, and aggrandized examples of what is good and effective parenting, we know much more than our parents ever did. 

So, if looking back and holding onto the tail of today are inadequate sources, where can we look?

In his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Stephen Covey teaches us about the wisdom of starting with the end in mind.  When we head down the road with no plan, or drive forward while looking in the rearview mirror, we can easily see the ineffectiveness of these practices.  

When it comes to parenting, and taking into account that we are not in control of our child’s responses, we can see that having a strict plan isn’t going to work.  What we get by “starting with the end in mind” is a destination. 

From almost anywhere in northern Oregon you can see Mount Hood.  If we imagine that as a destination, and then let the wanderings of child-rearing take us in many directions, we can then look up and see Mount Hood and get a new heading.  There will be wanderings, and tiny explorations as children love to follow rabbit trails, but if Dad can see Mount Hood in the distance and head off in that direction whenever starting out for the day, eventually the father and child will get closer and closer.

When I play golf, I wander all over the fairway, and eventually I get closer and closer until I finally get the ball in the hole.  Expecting par is a mistake if you’ve ever seen me golf.  So, should I hate the wandering because it isn’t giving me a good scorecard?  Or should I enjoy the view from the lake’s edge as I hit from the drop area?  Why not notice the flowers, bushes, and squirrels while poking around in the woods for my ball?  The end is still kept in mind, but the trip is not straight and narrow.  Eventually I get to the green and sink my last putt, but I saw a lot more of the course than the rest of my foursome. 

So, when it comes to parenting, what is the “end” we are to keep in mind?  Are we limited to the usuals – graduation, safe driving, college life, moving out, marriage, grandchildren, and holiday housefuls?  No.  The end of our parenting trail can be whatever we want it to be, but it helps if we include specifics that tell us when we have arrived there – so we can stop. 

When our sons have arrived at the top of their Mount Hood, and we can look back across the plains, remembering all that we went through together to get there, it is important for both father and son to know they have reached the end of the road.  Things need to change after this point.  Fathers need to shut up and fade into “parental retirement.”  Sons, strengthened and encouraged by the journey here, need to head off in a new direction of their own choosing. 

Whatever the “end” is that you come up with – keep track of it.  Look up from the rabbit trails your son is delighted to be following, and get your new heading.  Begin every day with an intention to get there and one day – you will get there.  In the meantime, stay with your son.  Let him know you are WITH him, for him, and that you have a plan for his development and benefit.  He will follow you.

The Three Fathers of Every Son

Sons receive their template of becoming from their father, or I should say, from their three fathers.  The template affects their ideas of what they might become, should become, and the “how” of becoming.  Fathers are powerful leaders because sons are internally prone to find a fit to the template.  If my father likes fishing, then I must like it, too.  If my father is into fixing cars, then that’s for me. 

Part of the tendency to fit the template is like a black hole.  Black holes are huge voids with intense gravity that suck and pull everything into its emptiness.  Sons don’t know who they are and what they are supposed to become.  They have a huge void inside them that wants to suck and pull answers in from whatever sources seem solid and sure. 

The other part of sons’ tendency to fit themselves to the template comes from simple availability.  If they were in a field looking for something to do they would fit themselves to what is available.  Give them a bat, baseball gloves, a few friends, and some idea how to play – and they will become baseball players – because it is available.  Give them a chessboard and some idea how to play and they will become chess players.  Give them a basketball and hoop and they will occupy themselves by trying to get the ball into the hoop.   

When a son has a father nearby he is given a template, and fitting himself to the template is as natural a thing to do as throwing a rock into a creek.  Remove the template and the son becomes desperate for a guide, a model to follow, an example of what to become and what not to become.  As each son grows up, these two forces (a father’s presence, and the need to find answers) create a powerful impression on the boy’s development.  His internal sense of himself – his identity – becomes anchored to the template and who he becomes is going to be immensely affected by what that template teaches him. 

Every son is given three fathers and each one has a powerful template.  First there is the template he sees in front of his eyes every day – his biological father, home father, voice and touch father.  The physical presence of this father makes him the primary influence on a son.  Secondly, there are two spiritual fathers in each son’s life.  There is God, the Good Father of Heaven who reaches to us through our hearts and conscience, teaching us about the power of love, joy, sacrifice, forgiveness and grace.  God seeks to deliver us into a life of goodness, wholeness, and fulfillment.  The other spiritual father is Satan, the Father of Lies.  He reaches to us through fear, anger, envy, lust, and pride.  He seeks to teach us about the power of lies, selfishness, hate, the separation and isolation of sin, spite, bitterness, and the inflicting of pain.

Jesus Christ, who came to demonstrate the ways of God the Father, tells us about the Father of Lies in John 8:44, declaring the way men will become influenced by the devil and live their lives according to his ways.  When we take a moment to look upon the effects on men’s lives that these three influences create we can see how some follow their earthly fathers and become like them; how some follow God and become like Him; and how others follow the evil ways of Satan and become like him.  There is a fourth group – those who struggle to choose a template to follow.  For them, identity is a floating, ever-changing world of gray where no black and white truths exist.  These sons don’t trust Satan, but neither do they trust their own fathers, nor God.  It is this group that teaches us about becoming a man.

When sons come of age they are placed at the threshold of their lives, the entry to the way they will be for the remainder of their life.  Some sons come of age before their teen years, and others wait until middle age, with most crossing the threshold somewhere in between.  Becoming a man happens when sons decide to leave the conforming template behind and take control of their life path.  Too soon and they may make an immature path choice.  Too late and they won’t know how to hold to their decision. 

The best fathers of sons will teach their sons the best lesson of becoming; things like choosing, holding to decisions, bravely crossing thresholds, learning from mistakes, and how to use wisdom to choose well.  No father can make his son choose anything.  Dads can’t force their sons to follow their lead, accept or want to fit into their template, believe in God, or turn from Satan.  But, if they are good and caring dads they will be given the chance to offer a good template – one that truly serves their son’s ability to choose well for himself – and then trust their son’s natural need to follow the template to do the work.  But, every earthly dad has three fathers, too.

God, the Supreme Father (because He has ultimate power and wisdom over all other fathers, including Satan), places a son into a man’s life, making him into a father, to help him become a better man.  When we are separate and no one is basing their life path on our character, behavior, and beliefs, it is easy to let things slide.  But, when we look into the crib and see a boy who wants to become like us, we feel the burden of our weaknesses.  God uses this to invite us into a better life, a better way of living and making choices.  We still get to choose yea or nay, but with that boy yearning to fit our template we find ourselves wanting to make it a better one.  It is then we need to have the skills and knowledge of becoming.  Did our fathers teach us to “become” with courage and gusto, or did we learn to fear it and avoid it?  Did we choose to become like our earthly fathers, like Satan, or like God?  And now as we look upon our offspring, which of our three fathers do we want to become more like – for the sake of our sons?  

Giving a Hand

Each and every man has a different answer to what is best for our nation.  For the average man, what he wants for himself is probably the answer he would give, but when he looks at the lives of other men he has a different answer for them.  (I should get green lights and everyone else can have the reds.  I can't make things work, so give me a handout, but those other guys are more capable so let them earn it for us all.)  So, if we all have different answers, and have a whole other answer for "those other guys" then what is the right and best answer for everyone?

My dad had his own view.  He believed, and proved it with his own life story, that if you wanted to earn your way to a greater life, it wasn't hidden or mysterious, but right there in front of you.  You want to earn money - work harder than anyone else.  You want to earn a college education - work harder than anyone else.  You want a family - get married, have kids, and keep 'em all together.  For my dad, the only thing keeping us from having the victories we want is the amount we want them.  If you didn't go get it then you didn't want it enough.

But, my dad gave up a lot to have the victories he wanted.  He was a grizzled, tough, forceful, unmerciful, prideful, judgmental, and solitary man.  He was also wonderful to everyone who might help him get where he was going.  Sure he had friends, and gave of himself at every turn, but he didn't have joy until his final ten years.

In the broad array of human stories, for every man who wins there are many who lose.  Yes, we love to exalt our victors, but is "victory against the competition of others" the only measure of a man's worth?  Can a man do and become more along another path?  Or, are satisfaction and joy limited to only those who win the contest?

I never liked the bitterness of a consolation prize, and always hoped to make my father sing my praises.  But, he never did.  Sure I won some, but there was always something I should have done better.  And when I succeeded at things he couldn't understand, he nitpicked about my leaving some dust when sweeping of the driveway.

I hated the way he missed out on sharing the lives of his family.  Sure he visited and told stories.  Sure he gave hugs and told bad jokes.  But, he could never get beyond the act of it until too much water had passed under the bridge.  My father was a wonderful man, whom I never trusted after age seven.  He tried so hard to find his elusive worth because his father had never taught him where to find it.

So, what's best?  I have seen men, broken by the misfortunes of capitalism, extend an empty hand - for a handout that they'll hate.  I have seen men who extend a hand in friendship when they are in misery.  I have seen men with no time left in their day give a hand to people they will never know and never be thanked by.  I have seen men raise a violent hand against the ones they would die to protect.  I have seen men hold their wives up when they would rather run for the hills.  I have seen men break into pieces whose wives preferred whoring to being a mom and wife.  I've seen men whose abusive pasts eternally diverted them from loving their own sons.  And, I've seen too many men whose extreme doubt and extreme confidence kept them from knowing how to truly love.

So, what can we agree on?  What should we pass on to those who follow in greater ignorance?  It is given to us as a charge, an order, a mission, to prepare the next generation of sons for their lives as men.  So, what is best for them to learn from us?  Should we drive them to win, win, win - when only a few will top the heap?  Or should we encourage them to skate by, play smartphone games, accept food stamps, go bankrupt five times over, and fail everyone who ever dared to care for them?  Should we leave them alone and wish them well on their own - abandoned because we can't grab hold of what matters?  Should we fear their greatness and thus want to ruin them?  Should we warn them about the empty powerlessness, and the addictive handcuffs of sin that arrest their development?

We have become a society that seeks the proof of our worth in the attention, acclaim, fear, and love of others.  In general, we seek power in our moments of thrill instead of the times we freely give and make a difference.  So, in our own failed and weakened state of preparedness, how can we teach boys what they will need to know?

As babies, we are born into a world that will either love us or not.  We cannot control that.  As children, it is natural to seek affirmations of love from parents and friends, even girlfriends - at first.  But, becoming a man means we see the exchange differently.  In order to pass over from boyhood to man, we must see that our value lies in being the providers of love.

Boys want to be given love.  Men want to be givers of love.  Watch fathers who love their children fully and you will see men whose power and worth shine.  They do not wallow in doubt, but take action on behalf of their children's goodness, selflessly adding to their lives.  These men do not stand high upon pinnacles of victory, confident in their every move and word.  They realize what's at stake and accept with humility the dangers of their ignorance and inevitable failure.

What is the best way to be a man?  My father struggled badly to turn his wins into joy and satisfaction, but it wasn't until he finally tried the life of a giver... a selfless, genuine giver of love... that he found fulfilling joy and satisfaction.  I rejoiced for his epiphany, but could not get past the innate fear of a wounded soul.  Let not your decision come too late to your children's heart.

For the sake of your joy, your children's hearts and our nation's tomorrow - love your children more than yourself.  Love your neighbor as if they were you.  Love without measure, condition, restriction, or fear.  Being a man means we fully offer ourselves up - like soldiers on a suicide mission - giving our all for the sake of the greater good.  Your "all" means complete selflessness, complete effort, complete accommodation of others, and complete courage for whatever God may ask of you.

Is this easy?  No.  But men are powerful beings and when we offer our all... nothing will deter us, our worth will be full, and God will bless us with joy and satisfaction.  When we offer our all... like heroes who save a life at the risk of their own... no praise is needed, no attention is wanted, we are full and happy with nothing, because we have our own satisfaction rising from within.

I am thankful my father wanted his love to be given... wanting it enough to get there after decades of wrestling with "how" to win at it.  In the end, all his children knew his genuine love and devoted heart, but it took a lot of learning.  What he finally learned was never taught to him by his dad.  He learned that when we have freely given our all, no matter the result, we'll know we have done our best, and that is what brings us the deepest sleep.  In the peace of that knowing we can let go of the need for proof and thereby accept and love without condition.  And, trust me, that made all the difference.

So, give your son a hand - a hand of faith, of love, of acceptance, and of heroic selflessness.  Give him a hand that helps him learn to love others without condition - like your hand to him.  Give him a hand of genuine selflessness so he can live that way and have joy and satisfaction, too.  Give him a hand of legacy, one that will grow those good things in him so he will hopefully want to give to that kind of hand to his sons, and so on.

Fishing Rods Instead of Hammers

Becoming a better father is more like becoming a better fisherman than building a house. Many men I have spoken to believe that raising a son into goodness, strength, and respectability is like building a house – first the foundation, next the structure, and last, the details. The problem these men have faced, though, is that the house they are building has a will of its own and may not want to be built one way over another. All sons have a sense of internal manifestation and know more and more each year that their life is their own. What usually results from the “builder” model is frustration on both parts and fathers becoming estranged from their sons. The problem isn’t that they aren’t doing a good job of building, and therefore need to become better builders. The problem is their approach is destined to fail.

If a builder tries to work with a structure that has a will of its own and ignores the power of that will, the builder will fail to complete the building. Every time. Sooner or later the building will begin to work against the builder. Usually the son will rebel just to assert and exercise his ability to choose. This causes the house to not be finished by the father’s plan, but leaves it up to the son to finish the work. And, yes, many fathers look at the partial completion as significant progress, a foundation and structure to be proud of, and better than nothing. But, is it really the success he was hoping to have?

Raising a son to quality manhood is a collaborative process. Always has been. Always will be. However, it is easy for the collaborative process to get lost at the very beginning when the infant son isn’t able to express his end of the exchange. This is when a father’s preparation is most important. He must see from the start how things are going to work best, and pursue that path with commitment, certainty, and consistency. What path am I speaking of? The path within, the path of self-improvement, the path of responsible servant leadership.

The path to becoming a better father is like becoming a better fisherman. I say this because the fisherman who goes to the end of the dock and casts a bare hook in the water probably won’t be very good at what he seems intent on doing. If his intent is to sit and do nothing, then he may have it down to a science. But, if his intention is to catch fish he needs to learn more to improve his chances for success.

Fishing, like raising sons, is a collaborative endeavor. The fisherman does whatever he does, and the fish chooses to bite on the hook or not. Good fishermen learn about what works better. They learn the skills that improve their success. Certain lures in different seasons for different fish, more likely pools or inlets at different times of day, different gear for different locales – they all matter to the fisherman’s success, and the better fisherman learns as much as he can. The difference between the guy on the end of the dock with a bare hook and the champion of the Bassmaster Series is learning.

The Bassmaster champion cared enough to learn and became better and better. The guy on the dock may get discouraged and go home, or he may glance at the others who are catching fish and watch what they do. He may get up and walk over to them and ask. If he is open to new ideas, willing to try, fail, try, and eventually succeed – then he is pursuing being a better fisherman.

Learning takes time, but the path of learning is one we are either on or off. If, as fathers of sons, we get discouraged and quit, we soon find that our dissatisfaction with quitting drives us back to try again, returning us to the path of learning. This willingness to pick ourselves up and try again is part of the love a father has for his son. I know many men who have reached their limit and want to quit out of frustration, only to regroup, rethink, and try again. I cannot say with certainty for all fathers, but in my heart, the desire to always try again seems to come from God. It is consistent with how I know Him to be, and I believe we are, like the Bible says, made in His image, similar in many ways.

In fishing, the fisherman needs the fish to cooperate and latch onto the hook. In raising sons the father needs his son to respond with willingness, trust, acceptance, and effort. A good father gets his son to offer these attributes in a natural and even joyous form of validation. A father with lesser skill tries to force the son to cooperate, using coercion, meanness, punishment, and bullying to gain compliance. If the fisherman learns his craft well, he can cast a line into the water and land the biggest ones right away. He doesn’t have to drain the lake and rake them into a pile. Bullying is the forceful path of unskilled minds – the unwilling learners.

Becoming a better father is about developing the skills within that create excellent results. The person for the father to work on is not the son, but the father. When a father works on his communication skills, his anger control, his willingness to listen and be interested, then he is becoming a better father. Trying to build a son like building a house is more an act of ego and pride that says what the father wants is more important. That’s not being a father. That’s being a bully.

In my decades of relationship with my father and with God, I have seen my father try again and again to build me into his vision of a better son while God wanted to work alongside me. My father’s love for me drove him hundreds of times to try to build me, then quit out of frustration, then stop quitting and return to the frustration of trying. The problem was not his love but his misguided application of it. His intent was not about me becoming me. His intent was about me becoming his vision of what I should be, and he never realized that I was a person with God-given free will.

God, on the other hand, walked alongside me through my life, offering His presence, grace, loyalty, and encouragement most of all. When I sought His guidance He gave me wise counsel, but allowed me to choose my path ahead. When I stumbled and fell He offered me a hand up. And, when I fell into fear or anger and turned away from Him, dishonoring His love for me, He forgave me and embraced me.

To become better fathers we need to learn all we can, both, for our sons’ sakes, and to fulfill the love inside our hearts that drives us to give them our best. Fathers who do well end up sharing a lifetime of deep connection, love, acceptance, and joy with their sons. That, to me, seems a worthy pursuit and a good enough reason to learn, change, and become more.

Sons Worship Fathers

Admittedly, I don’t know a lot about other people’s beliefs, but I do know that people throughout the world worship. As I look at the act of worship, it almost universally has to do with a greater spiritual being than what is found in the human race. In the act of worship, there is usually a submission of sorts where the person surrenders their self-faith to faithfully connect with the power of the god being worshiped, usually in hopes of receiving a blessing of some sort. The act of submission is a choice to “give one’s self over” to the object of worship.

In the Christian faith, of which I am more familiar, the act of worship is a deliberate act of submitting one’s focus or awareness to be wholly filled, or consumed, by God. Like a sponge that is dry, we are then able to absorb the presence of God like water. The more we ask for the water, the more we allow it to be absorbed, and the more soaked in it we become.At some point, because we are limited by human conditions, we become filled to the point where we really cannot receive more of God’s presence. But, with the presence of God comes lessons, callings, and inner self growth which work to increase our capacity to receive God, so over time, we become more capable of absorbing more and more of Him, but there is always a limit because of our human nature. Worship is the act of seeking and asking for the water to be poured over the sponge because God’s presence is so good for us.

The Christian man is continually seeking victory over the distractions of the world, the pride of his flesh, his fears of inadequacy, and the ability to trust God so he can give himself over to God, and receive God’s presence, transformative power, and eternal grace for his sins. This is a huge battle at times, and for some men it is insurmountable because they can’t get past their previous beliefs to truly absorb the water. They are frequently hindered by influences that reduce or thwart the flow of God’s water into their spongy interior. It isn’t God who holds back, but it is the steel-like veneer that covers the sponge.

When a son is born into a family where the father is frequently present, he will easily submit to the father’s presence and want to absorb as much of the father’s presence as possible. As a toddler he will openly emulate his father, copying phrases, choices, actions, and other behaviors. It is a natural program of the son’s human mind to seek identity clues by merging his sense of self with the appearances of his father. In essence, the son is giving himself over to the father, and following him in order to find a greater sense of himself, to receive a blessing, or most usually, to simply be connected and in relation with the father.

This is worship.

Towel Snapping - Ouch!

We had a bit of fun tonight; my son and I. Wife and daughter headed off to jewelry making class, so my son (age, 12) and I were cleaning up the kitchen and talking about Luke 14:25-34. The discussion carried into evaluating the skill and toughness of soldiers versus opposing soldiers. We spoke of kill ratios and other guy stuff.

Then one thing led to another and we ended up grabbing at dish towels. A snap here and a miss there. No big deal. We were laughing and dodging around the kitchen table. Nothing got broken. But, after a few hits and many misses, we kept trying to get the better of the other one. You know how it is.

Finally I got him to stand his ground and face off with me. I've got him on reach, but he is much quicker, so it wasn't too much in my favor. Except... I am a lot more experienced... and accurate.

Well, he gets me pretty good in the arm (still got a welt as I type this) and, well you know how it is... With men it doesn't back you off to get hurt, it brings out the dog in you and the fight turns into a "bring it on" kind of thing. So, I get him back in the leg (going around and snapping into the back of the bare-skinned knee). He winced, but there was no quit, so... we kept going, of course. He comes after me pretty good, and I decide to bring out the bear in me. I get loud and charge after him. He turns like a deer in the forest, with white tail shining as he flees, and I lunge with one last desperate swipe.

I think the neighbors down the block could have heard the slap of slightly wet towel across the back of his shoulder. Luckily he had on a thin t-shirt or it would have been worse. It was bad. The tears started and he crumbled into the couch.

I am pleased that Christ Jesus has given me a compassionate heart for my son. My first impulse was to rush to his side and give the spot a therapeutic rub. (My second thought was to do a victory dance and spike my towel, but I didn't do it.)

Here's the thing, though. In that moment, he needed me to teach him something. He needed to know how to access the toughness inside that a man can find in an instant. He needed to learn how to bring a ferocity from his adrenaline-based instincts. Instead of crumbling like a boy, he needed to know how to rise up and get tough and nasty. I wasn't coming down on him about it. I was encouraging and coaching. I was demonstrating and explaining how to do it. I told him to keep his chin up.

Eventually he rose up and had his dignity back. He understood the lesson of how much further he has to go to become the man he will one day be, and he knows I am teaching him. But, it wasn't enough. I wanted him to know my heart for him. I told him I wasn't sorry, because it was part of the game, and when men play, someone may get hurt. Part of the deal. But, still, my first response was to help. (Hey, I didn't do the victory dance, eh.)

It still wasn't enough to show him how I felt about all this. So, I had him read the following piece that I wrote a while back. It is about a father's willingness to let his son bear pain for the sake of his ascension into a more glorious existence. We must allow our sons to feel their pain so they may also know their strength to overcome it and not be ruled by fear of it. There is a victory beyond the pain, if we so choose.

A Threshold to Glory

My dear Son, I write to You
On the eve of Your ruin;
And the threshold to Your glory.

You have grown from boy to man.
With no fear of darkness,
Your heart is now the key
As it sows Your needed courage.

The moment has come
To find and face
Who You are meant to be.

Something black and evil
Comes Your way.
You did not ask for this,
No one would,
Yet it comes to You
None the less.

It is My nature to
Guard You, shield You,
Keep You from harm.
But this time I will not.
I must not.
I must not keep You from this,
Nor will I temper or lessen
The degree to which
You will bear Your pain.

Do not be misled
By the past ways of My love.
It takes all My strength to stand aside
And allow You to be so hurt,
But I must.

Brace Yourself.
It is a formidable fate that awaits You.
You will be broken and bloodied.
Your eyes will bulge with pain
And Your voice will cry out beyond restraint.

The very thought of it
Seizes My throat and
Robs Me of My breath.
I am sure that I too
Will deeply ache and weep with You.

Yet, fathers can see things,
That their sons cannot.
I can see Your heart this day,
Gentle, pure and good.
I can see the darkness that comes unfair
To assail You on the morrow,
And its shadowy despair
That seeks to weaken and defeat You.

And beyond this threshold I also see
The glory of Your life;
The power and strength
Of Your will and love,
That bear the source for Your victory.
I see You standing strong ever after;
With legs and shoulders that know
Your will, Your might, and Your good worth.

I see the cheers of Your enemies
Turn to groans of dismay and defeat.
And I see the many who love You
Dancing, and singing,
For the gift You are about to give.

You may be tempted
To feel abandoned and alone.
Please do not, You are not.
You will never be.

You may be afraid
And tempted to run.
But, Your glory,
And the world that I so love
Will be lost
If You do not obey Me
Once more.

Trust Me, My precious Son.
Even as Our tears may swell
Know that I know,
You are ready for this.
You have been prepared so well.

Only by going through this
- All the way through -
Will You know Your all
And receive
The full authority of who You are.

Be warned!
There will come a time
When You are near the end…
Near the death
Of earthly limits You have known;
When crushing burdens of sin will be laid on You.
Then, with the last drop of love in Your heart,
Reach to Me my Son.
I will be there for You.

Command Your heart to cling to Me
And on the other side We’ll be re-joined
Forever in the Spirit
Forever as One,
Forever equals,
Forever – Father and Son.

Early Independence

We awoke one Friday morning to a startling thought. Our youngest daughter was tattling on our twlelve-year old son. He had a note on his desk telling us not to worry, and that he had decided to ride his bike to school. However, due to an alert sister his plans were foiled. 

No big deal I guess, for some of us whose houses are close to school, or whose neighborhood is undoubtedly safe, but our son was about to ride eight miles, along highways with 60 mph rush-hour traffic, and in the midst of San Diego where Southern California predators exist in scary numbers.

He has never been out of our reach before. He has always been under the watchful eyes of responsible adults we trust. He has always been locate-able, if you know what I mean. And, now this! Knowing what he was thinking, partly because I was once a boy who wanted the thrill of adventure and the validation of independent adventure, I empathized and had a talk with him. I didn't get mad, and thanks to a smart daughter, I wasn't very scared.

But, the frightening reality of a son's drive to walk this earth without parental protection brought me into thoughts and conversations I hadn't seen coming so soon. Obviously, I knew it would be happening... someday, and had distant thoughts of it a few months ago. But, I figured I had a couple more years. After all, it isn't like I have created a Hell he needs to run away from. If anything his life is too tame and he wants to stretch himself. Hey, that's a great thing, right?

Yeah.

Outstanding.

So, we talked. I explained to him the real response that would have happened after we discovered his absence in the house. The yelling into all rooms and corners. The search of the backyard, while yelling. The growing fear and desperation. The panic. The phone-coordinated search grid with Mom and daughter in one car, and myself in the other. The frantic worry and wonder if we continue to not find him. The thoughts of 'worse-case scenarios' and then the fury of our message if we find him. He would lose his bike for a year. He would be grounded through Christmas Break. And worst of all; he would have created a huge damage to his relationship with Mom and Dad. The trust we have been growing would be tossed out, and a terse, tense awkwardness would rule over the house for quite a while.

He listened and understood.

While I drove him to school I took advantage of the opportunity to explain a few things he has been shielded from. I told him about Matthew Cecchi.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_Cecchi

And then I told him about Sherrice Iverson. http://www.geocities.com/sherriceiverson/

I mentioned a few other stories I had heard about over the years (Steven Stayner, etc.) and he began to understand the possibility of dangers beyond crashing and being killed, paralyzed, or just badly hurt. He apologized for not thinking it through, and I accepted the apology.

************************************************************************************

It is my firm belief that we men are errant to seek independence as the source of our validation. Too soon, and too young, boys are trying to fly the nest, but they are not prepared for life. Even those who are well prepared and go forth in a sense of independence, end up building their sense of themselves, their identity as a man, around the belief that they must stand alone. God prefers his sons to stand with Him, not alone. He prefers His prodigals to return to Him and remain with Him.

Independence is not the answer to a man's life. Self-sufficiency is a better path, and so is a balanced decision-making ability that does not compel one foolish decision over a safer, more sane choice. Doing the right thing is hard, and the development path of men is most frequently steepest when they are trying to do the right thing. Being comfortable being alone and being self-sufficient are the marks of a capable, well-balanced man. But, independence for the sake of proving one's ability is a mark of selfishness, foolish rebellion, and self-imposed isolation. Isolation is not solitude. Isolation is the rejection of relationships, while solitude is the acceptance of one's inner security. Isolation weakens a man. Solitude strengthens a man.

Isolation is the pursuit of temptations (rejecting God), and being subject to Satan's path of sin and torment because we don't have the community of relationships to sustain us against him. Pride is frequently a source of isolation and it is not a strengthening choice when it leads to an inevitable apology to heal others wounds created by our pride. It means we have hurt others to gain an empty victory. That is not wisdom, but foolishness, just as my son's trip would have been damaging to others for the sake of his own prideful satisfaction. Truly a boy's choice.

Men need to be more than that.

We Fathers Walk With Sons

Walking With Sons - is a relational perspective. In my experience, we as fathers, walk with several sons, not just our offspring. We walk with the son of our grandfather in our heads. I don't mean an uncle (unless someone's primary father figure was an uncle). I mean your father. But seeing our fathers as the son of our grandfather helps us to see his flawed propensities. My own father became the man he is, in part, because of who my grandfather was to him. If Grandaddy didn't encourage and nurture my father, then that may affect his affection for me. If he didn't teach my father how to work hard, then how is my father going to have that to teach me? As the son of my grandfather, my father is only partly prepared to do a good job of raising me. As I reflect on the bones I have always picked with him, I can see it wasn't entirely his doing to be as able and inept as he was. He was walking forward in life with his own father in his head, creating phantom judgments, criticisms, and holes in his understanding. The man in my head, criticizing and judging me, is a product of my grandfather's inability to do a great job at raising a boy into a man. Where does the legacy turn around?

I walk with my son, who is making decisions, and deriving conclusions and beliefs that concern me. I walk with thoughts of him in my head as I wonder why he did that, and if I taught him about this. I also see in him, the reason my dad got upset with me. I see the caring in me, because of my son, that also occurred in my dad's heart because of me; causing him to become frustrated with my lack of progress. My father, maybe because of my grandfather, fell into visible disappointment when I failed. His disappointment did not spur me on to greater efforts. It took my legs out from under me. I loved my dad. And to think that my error caused him harm... it kept stealing my courage to try again. So, now, I try to show my son, that failing isn't life and death. It is a chance to laugh at one's folly and regroup. It is a chance to empathize with others when they fail. It is a chance to learn a better way. If Thomas Edison let failure be a shameful thing, he would have likely quit before creating his successful light bulb. We walk with our sons, not just when we are with them, but whenever we choose to do anything that affects them.

We also walk with the sons of other fathers. We walk with men who learned life from their fathers differently than we did from our fathers. We walk with the friends of our sons as their ideas and choices creep into our sons' range of acceptable behavior. Will this song of darkness entice and lure my son astray? Will their cussing lower my son's standards, too? These sons of other fathers help us, and our sons, to define what a man might be, and how different we are from those we long to be accepted by. Can we find respectability among doctors, CEOs, ranchers, plumbers, and firemen? Can we hang with the rough crowd, and then know which fork to use with the salad? Some do not care to be accepted in all circles, and that is perfectly allowed. Others can't seem to find acceptance in any circle. The man defines himself, and all others are merely points on a map of comparison, but they do tell us where we are in life, partly.

For those of us who believe in Jesus Christ (not living in a religion, but in a relationship with the Man of God Himself), we walk with the Son of God. Through our acceptance of Him, and His mutual acceptance of us, we receive His Holy Spirit and its guiding power within us. As we walk through life, He is with us as a counselor and teacher. He is with us as the most loving and patient of fathers.

Well, by now, we can see that there are many sources of influence on us and in our minds we weigh the options of what we are going to say and do as our sons' fathers. Do we teach him about girls because we think it's important, or because that's the way our fathers taught us? Do we teach him about women from the point of view that Eve was from Adam to be his helper and then she led him into temptation? Or do we let our sons learn about women while at their friends' houses in the afternoon looking at the Internet? Do we trust ourselves to explain women in a way that frames all his choices toward a healthy view of them, or do we leave it up to his mother to handle that discussion?

It is my belief that every father is his son's best 'point man'. As the jungle of options is filled with dangers, the father is the guy who has been out on point, scouting the territory. He has come back to the young man to report on what lies ahead. If he made mistakes while scouting, great! It is worth reporting so the son doesn't do the same. If there are pitfalls that scared the point man, then, 'Great!' because it should be used to warn the son. Ignoring our own lessons and not trusting the value of our report does not serve our sons well. No one cares more about them than we do. No one knows them better than we do. No one knows what traps guys like us fall into most easily, and our sons are more like us than someone else, so tell them!

We walk with many sons as we go through life, and understanding the good and bad influences they bear upon our choices can help teach our sons how to command their choices as well.

Following the Leader

If only there was a way to transfer all of God's wisdom into my heart without messing it up like I do. Man, I just keep wanting to teach my son about God's ways, and I keep losing track of them. 

I can only keep track of God's ways when keeping track of God. Trying to explain it to my son makes me take my eyes off him.

It's kind of like the way the disciples followed Christ. In the morning He would awaken and rise to His feet. Then he would head off in some direction. I don't believe He sat around while the coffee brewed, asking the boys what everyone felt like doing that day. (Maybe He did, but, for the most part, I see Him going where He needed to go, and the disciples following.)

As the disciples awoke and stood, they could see Him going in whatever direction He was walking in, and they would have the choice of following or not. Hmmm, follow the Son of God and see more miracles, or go home and sit around the house? Hmm, tough choice.

If we take our eyes off Jesus, like Peter when he was on the water, we suddenly put our attention on the world and we are no longer able to see God's way for that moment.

I believe we are better off when we "Seek the Kingdom of God" in every moment. In the next moment, the Spirit will shift its urgings toward a new pursuit or a new lesson, and the old ways will not be what is needed. Like a weather vane that points toward the wind. If the wind shifts, the weather vane shifts with it; because of it. If we are of the Spirit and our minds are submitted to it, then we are able to shift from moment to moment also and be in connective will with God.

How do I teach my son to keep his eyes on God if I am taking my eyes off God to teach him that?

Being A God-like Father?

Is it possible to be a God-like father? Is it possible to love a son the way God loves us? 

It may not be possible to do so, exactly like He does with us, but I believe we can make great strides by trying to continuously grow toward His way of doing things. As fathers, we can either care enough to try our best, or we can pack it in and "say" we did our best.

In order to be a "good" or even a "great" father to a son, a father has to first be a man. But, since everyone has their own definition of what it means to be a man, there is no way to agree on the characteristics of a man. For the sake of discussion, I will venture a plausible, and though not complete, hopefully an acceptable definition of a man. (Many have tried this and failed, and so I set my hopes very low as I expect to fail at it as well.) 

A man is a post-adolescent male human being who is mature enough to know his needs, self-sufficient enough to take care of most of his needs, and willing to offer himself to the greater good.

As we dissect this definition, we find many areas of development, long lists of application practices, and room for an infinite variety of ways to be a man. In the context of our "father" discussion, the willingness to offer oneself to the greater good leaves a man with no option of wanting to abandon his son to lesser ways. Even if he believes himself to be a poor choice by God, the "greater good" includes him being willing to grow into the father/man that will be capable of providing the best upbringing for his son.

Being "a man about it" includes admitting one's need to grow in certain directions. Being self-sufficient doesn't mean knowing everything, but it does mean knowing how to dig up sources of knowledge, wisdom, and examples to learn from. If a man is not willing to admit he needs to improve the way he does things so his son is provided a greater upbringing, then he doesn't fit my definition of being a man. If a man is doing a great job of being a father, then there isn't as much need to be pursuing greater and greater ways.

To me, I am doing my best when I am following God in my heart by seeking His light on my path so the decisions I make are more loving, gracious, patient, wise, and humble. These are the times when I see my children respond with joy and goodness. These times never seem to last very long. Too soon I become the bear who growls and snarls at them for something ridiculous. Perhaps because I didn't teach them well enough, or they aren't easier to deal with when I am tired. Maybe it's because I am too busy to hear their rationale, or because I am God's biggest idiot who is still trying to become a better man.

As I observe God's way of being a father to me, I learn about the areas I need to improve upon with my children.

With me, God is always present, and His presence keeps me aware of my better choices, until... somehow I ignore Him. But, like the times I would use poor manners at the table when Dad was working late, I would somehow use better manners when he was present. Or like the times I was lazy and slow at my chores when he was inside the house and I would suddenly become a great worker when he came outside. For some guys it was about impressing their dad, while others didn't want to get in trouble or reminded again. Either way, a father's presence changes the way a son does life. I watch my son change the way he handles his responsibilities when he knows I am around. (It frustrates me and amuses me. I remember being the same way, but I also want him to take on "running the good race" without needing me. Therefore, as of late, I have backed off and allow him to choose his own results. We'll see.)

With me, God gives truckloads of grace. I do things wrong, and He just encourages me to slow down and try again. I get angry at myself, and He tells me to let it go. I know He sees my sin and washes me clean of it, but I hesitate to forgive myself as readily as He forgives me. When I see my son getting angry at his mistakes, I want to tell him to "let it go." Actually, I want to do more than that. I want to reach into his heart and hit the "flush" lever so all the anger will wash right out of his heart, for him. Too bad it doesn't work like that.

With me, God teaches to my unique set of experiences, abilities, and desires. He knows my heart and the strengths of my mind. He knows everything that ever happened to me and my feelings about it. He truly knows me, and therefore can be ready to teach me the best possible way, reaching into me with perfect tools and timing. However, my son and I live in separate minds, and I lose track of his ways sometimes. I turn around one day and he is wearing deoderant so the girls he couldn't stand last year, won't be bothered by him this year. In order to be a good father to my son, I need to listen and learn ABOUT him. After all, God's intention for my son does not include him becoming another me.

God's way of love is to align His will with what is best for me. He becomes an advocate of goodness for me. He steps in to protect me when I am not ready for a storm, and he let's me fear for my life when I am ready. He places people and circumstances in my path that teach me what happens with good and bad choices in life. He dies upon a tree so I may have no debt of sin to keep me from Him. This also allows me to be with Him, be blessed by Him, and all of this increases my desire to listen, learn, obey, follow, surrender, and become more like Him; whereby I discover more of how truly good and wonderful He is (which draws me even closer to Him again).

In order to teach my son how to trust God and be accepting of His gracious goodness, I am going to need to be a loving, accepting, forgiving, and patient man with intimate knowledge of my son's thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and desires so I can provide relevant teachings to his heart.

My son deserves a father so much better than me, and yet, God thought he should reside with me. Perhaps I should pay more attention to God's teachings for me, so I can become the man my son needs me to be. Maybe then I will become a little bit more of a God-like father. 

Any progress would be an improvement.

Where do fathers go to learn about raising sons?

I have met and interviewed many fathers of sons, and many of them admit their desire to be more prepared for such an important job. What's interesting though, is that no one can tell a father how to be a better father to his son.

It came to me that a father needs to decide for himself what to do and what to NOT do. Then he needs to stay the course and manifest his ideas into a real experience for his son. So, how do we help fathers do this? I have wrestled with this for a few years and still struggle to reconcile both sides of the aisle. On one side we have the infusion of new ideas that come from outside sources like books, other fathers, God, the Bible, supposed experts, and our own fathers. On the other side of the aisle we have a father's independent reasoning, his caring, his compiled knowledge, and his judgment of right and wrong.

The idea, as I see it, is not to push the ideas from their side toward the father's side, but to instead encourage the father to venture across the aisle, hunt around, find something of value and take it back to his side of the aisle. Then, not just having it on their side of the aisle being enough (as it will lose its excitement and fade in its useful appearance), we must empower the father to incorporate the idea into his plan (maybe encouraging the development of a plan, too) and form a pattern of use that serves his quest and his son's development.

If fathers can realize the power of their love, and find new ways they want to practice so their sons can become better men, then they may feel more capable and successful about raising their sons into manhood. Wouldn't that be a good thing?